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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2005 11:48 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 11:20 pm
Posts: 2
Today I lost it. Now I can't sleep for feeling guilty/like a bad mom. I have always had the occassional temper tantrum (pre-baby) but had a serious melt down today with my 11 month old daughter.

I wonder if someone else out there may have had a similar experience. And hope that maybe by sharing, someone else may not feel as alone and ashamed as I do right now.

It all started with my trying to get a little exercise. I am a stay at home mom (left my career when she was 8 weeks old) and adjusting to the lack of adult interaction. I do my best to get out. My daughter has been very stranger-weary since she was 4 mos old, which makes me feel like I can't really leave her with anyone but my hubby w/o major guilt.

Anyway, the baby-n-me classes seemed the best option for me to get out so today I get to the gym and my daughter is happily playing so I have another mom keep an eye on her for a sec so I can run to the restroom before class. I run like crazy hoping that by baby doesn't freak before I make it back, but half way back I hear her wailing like she just got a shot or something.

Class is starting, so I do the warm up holding her and she laughes and squeals w/ delight. I go to put her down and she cries like crazy. To make a long story short, I couln't put her down and decided to leave class.

As I am leaving (tense/irritated) she wails about being put in the carseat- which is typical but she normally settles after I get in the driver seat. She fussed as I drove. I got more irritated. I turned on the radio for a diversion in hope of calming down a bit. She fussed louder. I turned the radio louder and sang loudly. I could tell from her reaction that this freaked her out. So I then felt really guity and stopped. But I was still irritated.

I got home and needed to make her lunch and had to put her on the floor so I could get lunch ready. She fussed for a moment, was then ok, and we had lunch.

After lunch, I sat her down to clear the dishes and she started again. I decied to offer her a minute to settle herself- but she didn't and I just got really irritated. I picked her up briskly and she could sense my tension and started to cry pitifully. The guilt was tremendous. Then I felt trapped and angry- I needed a break, a breather, anything. Carrying her around, trying to finish clearing dishes I dropped the tray, that made me mad and so I kicked over a chair and a few other things in my path and ranted and raved (all while holding my daughter- still crying) and then the anger was gone, but the guilt was tremendous. I then broke down into tears from the pitiful crying from my daughter who I am sure now was scared, confused, and god knows what.

I nursed her, put her down for her nap, and then called a daycare and my old boss about pt work because at the moment I felt like strangers would be better caregivers than me.

I am really having a hard time over this. I couldn't possible share this with any of the moms I know or my husband because I am too ashamed.

I have to get it together. I don't want my daughter to feel responsible for my outbursts. She is just experiencing normal seperation anxiety and I have got to find a way to cope w/o losing it.

Just confessing feels a little better and I would sure feel better if there was someone else out there who has had a bad day and could share ow they lost it, but how they got it back together again.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 12:15 am 
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Joined: Sun Jul 04, 2004 4:39 pm
Posts: 72
I know exactly what you mean.

I am 18, just graduated high school a half a year early after a tough battle of working my butt off, so I can be a full time mom to my 13 month old daughter.

The first week fine.

The second week ok.

The third week stressful.

Weeks later even more stressful.

Now...IM LOSING IT!!!!

Today my daughter was also pretty cranky. She has never been a cranky baby before up until she turned one, a month ago.

It seems like she fights me with anything I try and do. She never used to wake up screaming or crying. For the past month that is all she does.

I try and make her lunch...she latches onto to my leg.

I try and get ready...she is right there.

I try and fold clothes she helps me unfold them.

I try and jog on the trampoline...she gets on it with me.

I know it's normal for kids to do this....obviously. But I know exactly what you mean when you need adult contact.

I need to find other hobbies besides cooking, cleaning, and the occasional crossword puzzle!!! :0)

I got really mad at her today too and broke down crying also. Then I started looking into college options, which I have been "planning" in the back of my mind...yet no exact plans yet. I still feel like I need to be at home. I don't want it to be a excuse for me to get out of this house!!!

Her dad doesn't get home until 6ish and when he does...magically shes fine for him. UGH!!! It's so annoying.

She sits still when he changes her.

She cuddles with him.

Goes to sleep for him.

He thinks I have it easy all day with her. Always telling me how wonderful it must be to be home with her...yeah it is wonderful yet sometimes just overwhelming!!!

Ahhhhh...that helped me. Venting is so nice. LOL.

I know no matter what our children do we will always love them, but it's just hard sometimes when it can get a little overwhelming to deal with.

Let me know what works for you, in the future. I think I am going to try new stuff with Emily, just to see if she responds differently to different approaches on issues.

Or I will pack my bags and go on vacation...somewhere warm...LOL.

Either way I am sure I will too figure something out!

Good Luck.

I know were not alone!


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 12:39 am 
i ca sympathize with the both of you. i have a 2 month old daughter, and im still trying to adjust. there was one night, a few weeks back where she was up and down all night, and not just awake, or jsut crying, but SCREAMING, she was so loud, i thought for sure the cops would be called! i was so wore out, as i am a single mom, and so i have her day and night with only a little help from my parents. well that night, it was about 4 am, i had been awake for 36+ hours, and mykenzi just wouldnt go down to sleep, so finally, she calmed down, i put her in bed, and i got into bed, notmore than 2 minutes later.. here we go with the wailing, so i sat up, said a few choice words, and got out of bed, i dropped the railing on her bed, and kind of harshly picked her up and in front of my face and said "what is WRONG" in a loud tone. she then cried her scared cry, and i broke down into tears! i held her close to me, and sat down and just rocked her while i cried. it finally came down to me giving her a bath at 5 am, and then kicking back on the couch, and falling asleep with her on my chest, when my dad got up, he took her and let me go to bed. that night was the only night in my life when i have felt so low and so pathetic for yelling at my daughter. so now when she is crying, and it is obvious that she wont stop and i feel myself getting stressed, i put her in bed, turn her lullaby thing on, and just step away and let her cry for a few minutes while i gain my composure.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 12:51 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:17 pm
Posts: 87
Location: Pennsylvania
At night is when I have the hardest time too... I have been patient and loving (sometimes) all day long and when I put Jake to bed I just want some time to myself. Then he wakes up. Then he wakes up again, and again, and again. I do the same thing, I get to the point where I just need to walk away so that I won't yell or do something that will scare him. I usually just put him in his crib with the side up, turn on the music and close the door. But then I have to turn the monitor off too because if I can hear him crying I will loose it even more. It only takes a few minutes of quiet for me and then I am okay. However, I still feel incredibly guilty leaving him screaming like that...


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 1:48 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:30 pm
Posts: 599
Location: Toronto
Here are some words of encouragement:

You are all great mothers!!! Do you know why?? Because you care enough to feel guilty! Dont worry! I'm sure it's happend to the best of 'em! (yes, yes, even me if you can belive it! :wink: :P :lol: :wink: )

I did it when Hannah was only 3 days old...poor little bird...She was in the special care nursery for a couple of days (Only brought to me to "try" and feed her) And the first day she was born my mom took care of her b/c I couldn't get up to care for her (C-section), SO I had never really took care of her before. Well the first night after she was released to me (we were still in the hospital though, to be discharged the following day) She cried and cried for HOURS. I didn't have any idea what was wrong but I didn't want to call a nurse for help b/c I wanted to prove that I could take care of her by myself. Anyway I tried EVERYTHING, I was exausted and I was getting very frustrated and "brisque" with her. Then after hours and hours finally called the nurse. When she got there she realized that Hanah was starving! The sheild I was using (she couldn't latch on to my breasts) was not getting enough milk out for her and she just got frustrated with that when I tried to feed her so I thought she wasn't hungry! The special care nursery never told me that they were supplimenting her when they gave her to me. They didn't tell me anything for that matter! The nurse (Thankfully this one was a sweetheart) was appauled that they never told me this and cup fed Hannah some formula then took her for the rest of her shift so I could get some sleep, the angel! I cried the whole time the nurse fed her. She talked to me for a bit to make sure I was ok. After she left I cried myself to sleep. I felt like the WORST mother in the world! I still think about it sometimes...I don't think I'll ever forget it. UGH! I've never told ANYONE that. Only me and that nurse knew this untill now!

ANYWAY on a lighter note she latched onto BOTH breasts today!!!!! :D Mabey I will be able to nurse her after all!


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 3:43 pm 
awww Kayla, im glad things are all beter now! and Yay for hannah latching on!! good for you both!

i also agree with kayla in saying that we all are awesome moms for the simple fact that when we do have a moment, we feel guilty about it. it goes to show how much we truely care, and all of the ladies who have posted here, and the ones that post later all deserve a round of applause for that!



Melisa

P.S. we have an updated page for kenzi... we just had to celebrate her turning 2 months somehow! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 4:57 pm 
I love the picture of her sticking out her tongue!!! I can't stop laughing!! Too cute!!


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 11:52 pm 
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Joined: Sat Sep 18, 2004 7:41 pm
Posts: 904
Location: Long Island
We are all bound to lose it. After having my babies I realize how some woman you hear about on the news lose it. Not that I would ever hurt my babies but they can really test you. And I am very patient so I think of a person who is not and I understand more. Not that I think people that hurt there babies are okay but I don't judge anymore. Payton pushes me. During the day she just wants to be held and I try my best to entertain her and hold her but there are times i have to put her down. LIke when Mikey needs to be changed or dinner needs to be done and the whole time I am doing something I listen to her scream. It's soooo frustrating. Now I just say to mylslef " you are doing the best you can and it's okay for her to scream it out a bit. " But now I don't have the monitor on in the kitchen I can hear her well enough without it


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 2:15 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2005 2:28 pm
Posts: 153
Sometimes you just have to put a screaming baby safely in another room and let them cry while you gather yourself together... crying doesnt hurt them, so it's OK to take a break. That's what I tell myself if things get to a point where I want to scream! I want to get a punching bag to take my stress out on!


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 4:10 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2004 2:15 pm
Posts: 59
When I've had a really bad day and my 18 month old "energizer bunny" just doesn't want to coorperate with ANYTHING-I pick her up and start pacing around the house counting slowly, in a voice as calm as I can muster at the moment (or between clenched teeth). Sometimes it takes up to number 60 before I feel like I'm not going to explode. This helps to de-escalate my building fury and doesn't scare her. By the time I've counted for awhile and put her down, we're both calmer.
Don't worry-you're not a bad mother. We're human, we get tired and we all have breaking points. Just take a deep breath and say, "This too shall pass."
Tomorrow's a new day.
Terri


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 9:04 pm 
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Joined: Sat Sep 18, 2004 7:41 pm
Posts: 904
Location: Long Island
Tonight was a tough night here. Some of it my own fault. I think deep down I was pissed my husband went out for happy hour. He asked me if it was alright he went and before I answered he mentioned how he doesn't get to go out. Apparently I go out partying and don't remember. So I said fine I don't care but deep down it did bother me. He leaves at 8 in the morning and gets home at 7ish. The kids are in bed by 8 and 8:30. Friday is the only day he gets home at a desent hour. So today the kids and I went about our daily activities. But then we got home from karate and PAyton wouldn't nap wheile I got dinner ready. So I did it to her screaming. My girlfriend Gina called to see if I wanted to go away the end of next month I of course said no but to have a conversation was hard cause I was cooking, Payton was screaming and Mikey was under foot. Got through dinner. I then put Mikey and Payton in mikey's room while I got the bath ready. Well, mikey didn't want to stay in there and payton freaked when she found herself alone for a minute. The whole time I am asking him to just stay in there and play so I can get bath stuff out. Now she is screaming so I had to pick her up. But because she got all worked up she didn't want to stay in the bath. So he had no time to play I had to wash him while she screamed. Finally got them out. Gave him a treat nursed her; put her to bed read him a story and put him to bed. Well, I jonxed myself yesterday cause tonight he got out of bed twice and the second time called me from his room so of course she woke up. I thought I would freak. I went in his room and didn't yell the second time but through clentched teeth told him not to get out of bed again he woke his sister. I never spoke with him though clentched teeth before. HE probably thinks Mommy is a freak. But he's back in bed. I blew out all my candles and here I am. Steaming that my night was hectic and hubby is still out at happy hour. I guess it's not his fault. IS he not supposed to go out ever? I hope I cool down by the time he gets home. I have to admit this helped.


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 Post subject: Feelin' much better
PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 8:01 pm 
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Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 11:20 pm
Posts: 2
Reading the responses to my origional post really helps. Maybe I am surrounded by moms who never lose their cool, but no one ever "fesses" up to doing something nutty when they are losing it.

I read lots and tried to find books with techniques for coping with anger and tension when mothering. A book that was helpful was called "Buddhism for Mothers". It's not a book to convert anyone, but since Buddhists meditate as part of their practice there was lots of good tips from the mom who wrote it for dealing with the stress of parenting.

After my temper tantrums, I thought to myself that I was acting like i had the emotional self control of a child. (Ok, maybe I was being too hard on myself, there). But then I thought, ok- how would I help a child who was having temper flare-ups? Here is something I am trying, we'll see if it helps.

I bought a bag of marbles. I put a small glass in my dining room. Anytime that I feel a surge of anger building up, I acknowledge it- then go get a marble and place it in the little cup. This is a silly act, I know- but it is a way to replace and unacceptable physical action (throwing, yelling, etc) with an acceptable, albeit strange one. One days when nothing gets my gander, I put a marble in as a means to say- Good Job. I decided ahead of time that when the marble cup is full...I go get a massage.

We'll see if this works for my "inner tantrum throwing child".


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2005 8:24 pm 
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Joined: Sat Sep 18, 2004 7:41 pm
Posts: 904
Location: Long Island
Hmm I like that idea


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