Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2005 10:08 pm Post subject: its official, im gunna be a mommie
well i wrote a post about a week ago, and i just wanted to say thank you to everyone that left me words of encouragement and love. but it is official im going to be a mommie, im bout a month in, so im excited. i just have a lot of thinking to do with my boyfriend. i gotta figure out where im going to live because i have ot take a break from college, and if im going to work, and if me and my boyfriend are going to get married.
one thing that has been really bothering me is that, my mom who is really religious is kinda forcing me and my boyfriend to get married. well i wouldnt say forcing but is really encouraging me and my boyfriend to get married only because we have thought about marriage for our future, and she thinks its right if we bring our baby into this world being committed and married to eachoter. its just really frustrating because my boyfriend doesnt believe we need to get married to start a family. but i want to make my mom happy and get married because i mean if we were thining about it before, and we're planning on getting married in the first place then why not now? i think my boyfriend is scared to get married because we're turning 21 this year and he wants to party still, but ive been telling him that he has responsiblities now and he needs to make a commitment to me and this baby, im not going to be the only one suffering not being able to party with my friends after this baby is born. how do i talk to him, how do i make him understand? its really hard for me because i feel like i have to be the only one suffering, like i cant go out and party and i cant go out to the bars and i cant do this and that because i dont want to harm my baby. but he can. its not fair to me. i dont know. what should i do
I have to comment, I am 24 now just turned 24 march 15th, anyways, this is a quick run down of what i am going through EXACT same as you. My mother passed away 4 years this Nov, she instilled the same thing, grandma from virgina and so was my grandfather so they always said that being married is the best for the "social apperiance" and then they always say "god has something to do with it to". I believe that in ways that i can understand for my own beliefs. My father ,how i haven't spoke to in years has starting coming around after my mother passed, and now trying to gove advice, all of a sudden he is calling the kettle black. he had 2 kids before he got with my mother and then had me. He was also pushing the idea of what about me and my fiance, what kind of commitment his he going to show, like he was saying that being married is going to make him more commited, not true, i told him did you ever stop to think about this before you were with my mother and your 1st he said no because no one ever told him about it being wrong in the eyes of the lord. I told him that my husband as of April 1st,2005, will be more commited than he was a father to me. Not to be rude but its the truth,. The thing to think about is what you believe is right, everyone was tossing the question around about "are they going to get married" blah blah blah" I told them yes its not like its never been discussed before, we planned on getting married this fall in the backyard. but since i didn't find out until Jan of this year i really wanted to get the legal part of marriage over with before she came along, my personnal feelings, and he understood, it was up to us, not mom, outside influinces, but me and my husband to be, on what we were willing to do, not about the part of partying, that will probably have to come to a hault, if he's is willing to have this child and not run then he has a decission to make, happy family, or none,my husband to be is quit older than me 31 now 32 in july, there is some age difference, but he has grown out of that party hard stage, not to say that it has to stop completly, but needs to be a parent figure for the little one.
I suggest you talk to him one on one and then you both make a decission on what is the next step, it will seem like it a lot right now, but i think it will work out. I just wanted you to know that i know exactly what you are going through, don't stress out or freak out, just talk to him about it and then tell hjm what you want to see happen,
Also around when you are about 23-24 weeks you will talking about childbirth classes, make him go with you, it really slaps reallity into place, and when he sees other fathers to be then he might take more pride into what is coming up. trust me my husband did a 180.
Joined: 09 Mar 2005 Posts: 27 Location: California
Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 12:03 pm Post subject:
I'm going through the samething right now too. My boyfriend and I talked about getting married because I thought it would be the best thing if we were married when the baby was born. He said he wasn't ready for marriage. I got upset because he made me feel like he wasn't committed to this whole new change in our life. That was in the beginning. Now I'll bring it up once in a while and his excuse is that he doesn't want to put stress on me and have me worry about wedding plans while I'm pregnant. He says after the baby is born we will get married. I think he is just full of it. I'm thinking that maybe he wants to see how our lives have changed with the new baby and I'm thinking maybe he wants to see if he can handle it or not. But he has been very supportive of the whole thing. He's been going to our child birthing classes and he's very helpful. Maybe it hasn't clicked in yet about the baby, I dont know. But good luck talking to your boyfriend.
Joined: 13 Mar 2005 Posts: 14 Location: Berlin, New Hampshire
Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 12:35 pm Post subject: Hang in there....
My boyfriend and I aren't discussing marriage. We have before, and it's something we plan to do, but only when the time is right. I think that a couple can have a baby and not marry each other...the commitment is there, it's the piece of paper that you don't have, you know? Not to say that I don't believe marriage is important; I really do, and it's something I've dreamed of since I was little, but I want my day to be special, and rushing in and getting married just because I'm having a baby isn't very special at all. We plan to be together forever...we can wait a few more months or even years to get married.
Now as for the partying hard thing...give it time to sink in, maybe he hasn't fully grasped the situation yet? If this kind of behaviour continues after your kid is born, you should do some serious talking. You need to know that he's going to be a reliable parent and not some scumbag you have to look after in addition to your child.... But don't worry so much! Things will work out like they should!
I was never one for big weddings ever, mom my on the other hand wanted everyone and there brother,
Here's what we have decided to do.
April 1st going to get the marriage license and the getting married around 11:30am at the courthouse, then after everything settles with her and getting used to everything, then were having everyone down to celebrate the baby and then somewhat on the wedding but just to have a big party for both.
So not our plans are for everyone but it helps with me and him and then her coming along with married parents, mine were married and then divorced, so i would hate for her to even try to come into this world without something stable, not saying that couples who arn't married isn't they maybe more stable than me, but for my piece of mind that's the way i have to look at it!!!!
Unlike you guys I am older and married and expecting a baby.
This is different so it was interesting to see your point of view on the current situations you are in.
I don't walk in your shoes so I can not say I really can relate to the problem but from my prespective it is sad that people are starting bringing beings to this world before they commit.
Sure this can be done but usually it is girls who suffer from it and most of all kids.
I think that from men's perspective it does not really matter but for women it is harder.
Men rearly look into the othre perspective, it is hard for them, they usually see only into themselves.
From my experience what helps most is to have your guy to expose to other guys who are where you want your guy to be.
When he sees other examples and other mental models then he usually is more pron to making his own commitments and changes.
I know it is hard for a guy to commit if he does not want. period.
but... talking to him from perspecitive of his own perspective can help.
try to make him imagine how he would feel if he was a child and would have to grow up not having official father assigned at the house? mom not married to dad?
they say usually they will commit later.. so what is the deal? why wait if the want to do it ever why not now?
I guess once man fathers the baby he looses his right to choose so much as he used to have and there is a time to compromise a bit.
after all he already started a family wanting or not.
how he would feel if he was a woman and somebody would feel like lvinign him right there whith a baby and some vage promise of some future commitement.
statistics are not working for you guys.
I will pray for you all and keep my fingers crossed
I hope your guys will do the right thing because after all
we all sometime end up victims of our circumstances
but it is not worse what can happen.
the measure of being a real men is not the ability to make a baby,
it is what comes next and doing the right thing.
marriage is just that. it is not an option. he is a father he must be a husband, otherwise is like he is making his life easy for him and
miserable for everybody else.
It is good to know who one goes to bed before being put in such a situation but not eveybody likes to wait and see because making
babies is fun after all
so hang in there, and try to meet with other couples who were where
you were and now are w here you would like to be and this
might help a lot
Joined: 09 Mar 2005 Posts: 27 Location: California
Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 5:32 pm Post subject:
My boyfriend and I are young. I'm 20 and he's 21. The only married couples we spend time with are the ones in our birthing class. His sister is 23 with two kids and she has been with her boyfriend off and on for 5 years so my boyfriend (her brother) and her boyfriend are really close. I don't think his sister and her boyfriend are planning to get married ever and I think my boyfriend thinks because they aren't getting married that we don't have to.
Joined: 13 Mar 2005 Posts: 14 Location: Berlin, New Hampshire
Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 5:43 pm Post subject: :)
Just because two people aren't getting married when they have a baby does not mean that they're not committed. Take my boyfriend and I for example; we don't want to get married right now, even though we're having a baby. It is a mutual thing. We don't want to get married just yet because, for me, I love big weddings -- I want a big wedding. And if we got married right now, it wouldn't be big, and I'd be pregnant walking down the aisle. Things just wouldn't feel as special. It would be like saying we only got married because we were having a baby...and sure, that's a good reason, whatever. But I want to get married because we're in love and the time is right.... Anyway, we do plan on getting married in the future, just not quite yet. I think it's all right to bring a baby into the world even though we're not married yet. It's what works for me, anyway.
As for you, Brandy Lee, I think you need to talk to your boyfriend, because obviously it's not working for you. If you're unhappy with your situation it's best to talk to your boyfriend. You need to know where he stands -- where you guys are going to be in 25 years, you know what I mean? Just because his sister and her boyfriend aren't getting married does not mean it's all right to apply those principles to your relationship. You guys need to be on the same page...and it's clear that you're not. Good luck hun, I hope everything works out!
Joined: 09 Mar 2005 Posts: 27 Location: California
Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 5:57 pm Post subject:
Nessa I feel the same way I want a big wedding too and I don't want to be prego walking down the aisle. I guess I shouldn't rush anything. I guess the time will be right when we are both ready. I only plan on getting married once and I want it to be perfect. I want to get married because I want to not because I think we should. Thanx for the advice.
Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 10:23 am Post subject: Your Pregnancy
I am now 32 yrs. old and will find out next week if I'm pregnant. This will be my 2nd. When I was 20, I found out that I was pregnant with my first. I turned 21 while I was pregnant. I understand why some people would want you to be married before you have your baby (image purposes), but let me warn you. If you get married just to please other people, it won't work. You both have to be in agreement on everything (you & your boyfriend). It can't be a one way street. That's fine and dandy if he wants to spend time with his friends, but that doesn't mean you can't go along. Mind you it can get pretty smokey in the bars and you want to be healthy for your baby. But he doesn't have to be in the bars all the time. Go to somebody's house and have fun! I got married while I was pregnant with my first pregnancy, I was nieve with alot of things, marriage lasted 3 years. So just because people want you to be married, it doesn't always work. You have to want to be committed!
Good luck and just to talk your boyfriend about all your concerns.
There is absolutly NO shame in having a child out of wedlock. If you and your boyfriend are unsure if you want to get married, you probably should wait until after your baby is born. Don't let anyone else pressure you into such a big decision.
I completly understand how you feel about your boyfriend sharing in the compramises that you have to make. It wouldn't be appropriate for him to go out and drink on a regular basis, however understnad that while having this baby growing inside of you is ALL CONSUMING to you (you just never can quite escape it, huh He isn't quite as involved at this stage. Letting him out on occasion will give him some down time- once your child comes he will find out REALLY quickly about comprimises that need to be made!
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His sister is 23 with two kids and she has been with her boyfriend off and on for 5 years so my boyfriend (her brother) and her boyfriend are really close. I don't think his sister and her boyfriend are planning to get married ever and I think my boyfriend thinks because they aren't getting married that we don't have to. 